January 21, 2013
Edie the Eating Disorder.
I will begin by saying that this topic is a very sensitive one to me and a little difficult to talk about. It starts to stir up emotions and makes me anxious, but after talking to friends of mine who are almost in their 30's, reading posts from my younger friends still in their teens and feeling a general pressure on myself I feel that it is time to open up about this monster that most of us have creeping up on us everyday.
About 10 years ago I was in High School. I was not particularly popular but I was not an outsider either. I was friends with all types of cliques and could identify on some level with each of them. I felt that I knew who I was with a well balanced take on life and drive for something big. I had high expectations and thought I could be perfect until things started to become unrealistic. I wanted to have longer hair like my cheerleader friends, while wanting shorter hair like my favorite actress. I wanted to be taller so I could be a model, while wanting to be shorter so I could wear heels when I dated the tall boys. I wanted to be more tan, while wanting to be more pale to save my future skin from wrinkles. I wanted to be a dancer, forensic scientist, a different ethnicity, teacher, live in the now, designer, older, happy, world traveler, bigger boobs, author, plan for the future, singer, angry, younger, alive, psychologist, actress, marine biologist, up, down, artist, dog trainer, smaller butt, religious, invisible, a fashionista, interior designer, atheist, sad, a jeweler, unusual, normal.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE HELL I WAS OR WHAT I WANTED!!
I became upset with myself that I couldn't be and do everything I wanted at the drop of a hat. I looked at myself as a failure. If I wanted all these things why couldn't I just have them, do them, be them and live them? "You can do anything you want to if you set your mind to it" right? Right. If they are realistic and healthy. I was not being realistic, I was striving to be perfect. The impossible Perfect. It led to me be very, very unhealthy.
It started innocently enough, by working out once a day. Then came working out twice a day. Working out every waking moment that I wasn't at school. Hiding my excessive workout habits from my friends and family. Adding diet pills, counting calories down to a fraction, taking fats and sugar out of my diet, taking food out of my diet completely. Sometimes water was the only thing I would put in my mouth for an entire day. I had no energy. I was turning into a bitch. I was on the verge of passing out just from standing up because it took too much out of me. I was hiding everything from everyone and weight consumed my life. I would stay home instead of hanging out with my friends so that I wouldn't have to eat, because I knew if I didn't eat they would be suspicious.
It was consuming me emotionally and physically but I didn't care. I wanted more.
I can remember the very first time I made myself throw up. My habits were wearing on me and I thought there had to be something else I could do because I was still unhappy with the 100 pound body I was living in. 100 POUNDS!!! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I AM SAYING?!?! I weighed 100 pounds and was UNHAPPY with that. It is one thing if that is your naturally healthy body weight but for me it was very unnatural. My body is happy and healthy at about 130 pounds, give or take a few. I was fighting nature. If I tried eating healthy for even two days my body was trying to bounce back to its natural state. Throwing up everything you eat is definitely not the nature of your body. I remember eating dinner with my family and feeling full. The feeling of being "full" was a huge trigger to me. To me full equaled fat. I went downstairs and closed every door between them and me. I turned on radios, faucets, everything I could to muffle the sound of puking. I gagged myself and threw up. I flushed the toilet. I sat in the shower and cried.
You would think with all of these horrifying experiences and depressing emotions that it would have made me stop throwing up, start eating, stop taking diet pills, stop working out so excessively...just stop all of this unhealthy behavior all together but for the last 10 years I had a best friend who said it was all ok. She told me it was normal and the only way to get what I wanted. She told me that because I was trading between Anorexic and Bulimic that my body wasn't suffering that badly. She sat by me at every dinner and counted calories with me. She followed me to the pantry and closed the door without letting me eat a single thing. She stood behind me at the toilet and flushed it for me after each purge. Her grey skeleton, sunken in eyes and green stringy hair stood behind me in the mirror as I analyzed every inch of my naked body. Her bony, dirty fingers tried to pinch the skin around my waist to see if she could grab any fat. My friend Edie was there through it all. My friend Edie, the eating disorder.
Everyday was a constant struggle. I would wake up thinking about food and how to avoid it, and if I couldn't avoid it, how I would sneak away to purge. My parents and boyfriend would ask me about it and I would lie. I would tell them what they wanted to hear and disguise what I knew they would not want to see. I even lied to the psychologist I was seeing so that she wouldn't try to "fix" me. I wasn't ready to be fixed. Unfortunately I saw myself as a pro. There were nights I would wake up in a sweat because I had a dream I had eaten a slice of pizza or a donut. The dreams were so real and so terrifying to me that I would be half way to the bathroom to purge before I realized that it wasn't real. I just saw this as training.
My mind was always consumed with Edie. She was talking over my friends, so I didn't hear what they had to say, I only focused on her. The memories during that time in my life are a blur because Edie's split personalities Anorexia and Bulimia were clouding my brain. I was there in body, but in Edie-land in my mind. She tried turning me against my friends, making me believe that they wanted to see me fat and unsuccessful. I was second guessing myself and everything around me. I hid in bathroom stalls and behind lies, under vomit and diet pills. I felt like no one would have wanted me, because I didn't want me. Only Edie wanted me and she had me.
It was a cycle. I would swear up and down that it was the last time I would binge and purge. It wasn't. I would swear that it was the last time I would take a single pill or laxative. It wasn't. I would swear that I would eat like a normal human being and not count every little bite and assign it with a number of calories. It wasn't. In those terrible 10 years I had a few healthy and eating disorder-free successes. Some only a few weeks and some months at a time where I was able to keep control over Edie. She is a bitch. She is relentless and she doesn't like to be forgotten. She has a way of infiltrating through pictures on fashion sites and images on your t.v. You are reminded of her on every page of a magazine. Don't let her win. Remember all the horrible things she said and did to you. Remember the way she made you sick and poisoned your mind and body. Remember how she calls you fat and ugly because she knows you are far more beautiful than she will ever be.
I am proud to say that I have a new best friend now. She helped me quit all of this cold turkey about a year ago. When I would turn food away she would remind me that I wanted to keep my body heathy enough to one day be a mother. When I ate a bagel and had the urge to throw it up she would remind me that I needed the energy I got from it to continue working on a new business I was starting. My friends name is Lindsay and she is always with me. Lindsay isn't perfect but she is real and she is healthy. She embraces herself and others for who they are and what they have to offer the world. She is always reminding me that I am smart, strong and confident. She tells me that I am funny and adventurous. She makes me feel healthy and alive. She looks back at me from the mirror everyday and says "Be brilliant. Be brave. Be beautiful."
xoxo, linds
According to the Eating Disorders Coalition nearly 11 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder. If you are suffering from this or know someone who is and is looking for help, please refer to the National Eating Disorders Association at nationaleatingdisorders.org.
About 10 years ago I was in High School. I was not particularly popular but I was not an outsider either. I was friends with all types of cliques and could identify on some level with each of them. I felt that I knew who I was with a well balanced take on life and drive for something big. I had high expectations and thought I could be perfect until things started to become unrealistic. I wanted to have longer hair like my cheerleader friends, while wanting shorter hair like my favorite actress. I wanted to be taller so I could be a model, while wanting to be shorter so I could wear heels when I dated the tall boys. I wanted to be more tan, while wanting to be more pale to save my future skin from wrinkles. I wanted to be a dancer, forensic scientist, a different ethnicity, teacher, live in the now, designer, older, happy, world traveler, bigger boobs, author, plan for the future, singer, angry, younger, alive, psychologist, actress, marine biologist, up, down, artist, dog trainer, smaller butt, religious, invisible, a fashionista, interior designer, atheist, sad, a jeweler, unusual, normal.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE HELL I WAS OR WHAT I WANTED!!
I became upset with myself that I couldn't be and do everything I wanted at the drop of a hat. I looked at myself as a failure. If I wanted all these things why couldn't I just have them, do them, be them and live them? "You can do anything you want to if you set your mind to it" right? Right. If they are realistic and healthy. I was not being realistic, I was striving to be perfect. The impossible Perfect. It led to me be very, very unhealthy.
I am always hesitant to talk about this because the last thing I want to do is give anyone ideas. In fact I hope to do the opposite. I hope to make anyone who has ever even entertained the thought of an eating disorder to be so grossed out an appalled at the thought that it never crosses their mind again. I wish every day that I would have passed right over the thought without a look back but instead I said "Just this once." And now I am tearing up because I realize that "once" turned into thousands upon thousands of "just one more"s.
It started innocently enough, by working out once a day. Then came working out twice a day. Working out every waking moment that I wasn't at school. Hiding my excessive workout habits from my friends and family. Adding diet pills, counting calories down to a fraction, taking fats and sugar out of my diet, taking food out of my diet completely. Sometimes water was the only thing I would put in my mouth for an entire day. I had no energy. I was turning into a bitch. I was on the verge of passing out just from standing up because it took too much out of me. I was hiding everything from everyone and weight consumed my life. I would stay home instead of hanging out with my friends so that I wouldn't have to eat, because I knew if I didn't eat they would be suspicious.
It was consuming me emotionally and physically but I didn't care. I wanted more.
I can remember the very first time I made myself throw up. My habits were wearing on me and I thought there had to be something else I could do because I was still unhappy with the 100 pound body I was living in. 100 POUNDS!!! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I AM SAYING?!?! I weighed 100 pounds and was UNHAPPY with that. It is one thing if that is your naturally healthy body weight but for me it was very unnatural. My body is happy and healthy at about 130 pounds, give or take a few. I was fighting nature. If I tried eating healthy for even two days my body was trying to bounce back to its natural state. Throwing up everything you eat is definitely not the nature of your body. I remember eating dinner with my family and feeling full. The feeling of being "full" was a huge trigger to me. To me full equaled fat. I went downstairs and closed every door between them and me. I turned on radios, faucets, everything I could to muffle the sound of puking. I gagged myself and threw up. I flushed the toilet. I sat in the shower and cried.
You would think with all of these horrifying experiences and depressing emotions that it would have made me stop throwing up, start eating, stop taking diet pills, stop working out so excessively...just stop all of this unhealthy behavior all together but for the last 10 years I had a best friend who said it was all ok. She told me it was normal and the only way to get what I wanted. She told me that because I was trading between Anorexic and Bulimic that my body wasn't suffering that badly. She sat by me at every dinner and counted calories with me. She followed me to the pantry and closed the door without letting me eat a single thing. She stood behind me at the toilet and flushed it for me after each purge. Her grey skeleton, sunken in eyes and green stringy hair stood behind me in the mirror as I analyzed every inch of my naked body. Her bony, dirty fingers tried to pinch the skin around my waist to see if she could grab any fat. My friend Edie was there through it all. My friend Edie, the eating disorder.
Everyday was a constant struggle. I would wake up thinking about food and how to avoid it, and if I couldn't avoid it, how I would sneak away to purge. My parents and boyfriend would ask me about it and I would lie. I would tell them what they wanted to hear and disguise what I knew they would not want to see. I even lied to the psychologist I was seeing so that she wouldn't try to "fix" me. I wasn't ready to be fixed. Unfortunately I saw myself as a pro. There were nights I would wake up in a sweat because I had a dream I had eaten a slice of pizza or a donut. The dreams were so real and so terrifying to me that I would be half way to the bathroom to purge before I realized that it wasn't real. I just saw this as training.
My mind was always consumed with Edie. She was talking over my friends, so I didn't hear what they had to say, I only focused on her. The memories during that time in my life are a blur because Edie's split personalities Anorexia and Bulimia were clouding my brain. I was there in body, but in Edie-land in my mind. She tried turning me against my friends, making me believe that they wanted to see me fat and unsuccessful. I was second guessing myself and everything around me. I hid in bathroom stalls and behind lies, under vomit and diet pills. I felt like no one would have wanted me, because I didn't want me. Only Edie wanted me and she had me.
It was a cycle. I would swear up and down that it was the last time I would binge and purge. It wasn't. I would swear that it was the last time I would take a single pill or laxative. It wasn't. I would swear that I would eat like a normal human being and not count every little bite and assign it with a number of calories. It wasn't. In those terrible 10 years I had a few healthy and eating disorder-free successes. Some only a few weeks and some months at a time where I was able to keep control over Edie. She is a bitch. She is relentless and she doesn't like to be forgotten. She has a way of infiltrating through pictures on fashion sites and images on your t.v. You are reminded of her on every page of a magazine. Don't let her win. Remember all the horrible things she said and did to you. Remember the way she made you sick and poisoned your mind and body. Remember how she calls you fat and ugly because she knows you are far more beautiful than she will ever be.
I am proud to say that I have a new best friend now. She helped me quit all of this cold turkey about a year ago. When I would turn food away she would remind me that I wanted to keep my body heathy enough to one day be a mother. When I ate a bagel and had the urge to throw it up she would remind me that I needed the energy I got from it to continue working on a new business I was starting. My friends name is Lindsay and she is always with me. Lindsay isn't perfect but she is real and she is healthy. She embraces herself and others for who they are and what they have to offer the world. She is always reminding me that I am smart, strong and confident. She tells me that I am funny and adventurous. She makes me feel healthy and alive. She looks back at me from the mirror everyday and says "Be brilliant. Be brave. Be beautiful."
xoxo, linds
According to the Eating Disorders Coalition nearly 11 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder. If you are suffering from this or know someone who is and is looking for help, please refer to the National Eating Disorders Association at nationaleatingdisorders.org.
January 14, 2013
Green Smoothie ?!
So.... this morning I started boot camp. The tire-flipping, sledge-hammering, burpee-doing type of boot camp hell. My body already loves and hates me for it, but walking down the stairs is already painful. I can only imagine what tomorrow brings.
When I got home I wanted to go for my breakfast of choice which usually consists of too many carbs and cheese and of course coffee (which I still had cause I might kill someone if I don't) but instead chose my lighter and seemingly more healthy alternative. I lived off of these Green Smoothies when I first discovered them and now I think I am completely addicted again. I've listed the recipe but just so you know this will make enough for two people so adjust accordingly. xo
- 1 cup milk of choice
- 1 banana
- 1-2 Tbsp unsweetened natural smooth peanut butter
- Approx. 2 cups spinach
- Ice
- BLEND!!
January 12, 2013
To braid or not to braid?!
Sad to say I was not always a huge fan of the braid, but over the summer I learned to appreciate it's easy and convenience, not to mention a look that says "I really tried to look good without REALLY trying."
I will admit, I am not the greatest at braiding my own hair. I do a pretty decent job on other people but for some reason my fingers and my mind can't meet up when forced to braid backwards so I use a little trick. I use bobby pins to create a more even looking braid by tucking fly-aways, shorter layers and thicker pieces into the braid under the bulk of the hair. This makes it seem like you have nice, even pieces going into the braid. No one will know you have 48 bobby pins in your head, but they WILL think you've got a perfectly sectioned braid.
January 7, 2013
Katy Perry Lashes Out!
I was a bit skeptical when my sister told me she wanted to go to Claire's in the mall for false lashes to wear on New Years, especially hearing that they were "made by" Katy Perry. My skepticism was quickly fixed when I saw them. I am not typically a fan of false strip lashes, I'm more of an individual or clump lash fanatic. Individual/clump lashes are small sections with either one or a few lashes that can be applied in the same manner as traditional strip lashes but they give you more of a natural look and not as irritating to your eye, in my opinion. Another plus to these Katy lashes were some fun colors they offer like navy, teal and purple which is always a fun alternative to the usual black and only cost about $8 and include lash glue. She offers strip lashes as well which are always a safe bet to add drama to your look and always keep in mind you are able to trim those down to fit your eye a little more comfortably.
Give them a shot next time you need a subtle but fun twist to your outfit!
Give them a shot next time you need a subtle but fun twist to your outfit!
January 3, 2013
Vanity sizing is Vain.
Ok I have to rant and rage right now... You know what bugs?! Trying on clothes when you can't really figure out your size... Why?? Vanity sizing. Someone thought it would be good for girls self-esteem to make the clothing labels a size/multiple sizes smaller than they really should be. What is the effect?! A misconstrued idea of what truly is. The problem occurs when a girl walks into Store #1 and tries on pants that are a size 3. Same girl walks into store #2 and tries on pants that are a size 9. They both fit the same. "What is the problem?" you ask?? What do we as insecure females believe? The larger size, whether true or not. Let's just be honest. Let's stick with inches and cut the bullshit. I mean, that's what we ask of
our men, right?! Be straight up and don't lie about the inches.
I know I'm a size 2, 8, 6, 13.5, L and XS. Just being honest.
our men, right?! Be straight up and don't lie about the inches.
I know I'm a size 2, 8, 6, 13.5, L and XS. Just being honest.
I'm Blushing!
OH NO !!!!!
My Nars "Orgasm" blush is almost gone...again!
The name alone makes you blush but I promise you still want to buy this.
This might be the 97th compact of Orgasm I have owned...ok maybe only the 3rd but that is because it seems to last FOREVER! (wish the real ones would too, eh?)
This blush is by far the greatest I have ever used. I can't explain how perfect it looks on EVERYONE! I have yet to encounter a single person who can't pull this off. It gives you a beautiful glow, a light shimmer and keeps a natural appearance. You won't look like a drag queen...but if that is the look you are going for then add extreme bronzer and highlighter along with it...that might achieve 'the Rupaul'.
I always buy mine at Sephora for $28, which at first might seem a little spendy, but it is worth every penny and like I mentioned before, it seems to be everlasting!
xo
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